“Branding?” Yes, branding – remember I mentioned self-help experts and negotiation wonks? They get paid when you hire them to do your negotiations for you. So, it’s in their best interest to make it as complicated as possible. You’ll hear jargon like ZOPA and BATNA – Zone of Possible Agreement and Best Alternative to Negotiated Agreement – phrases that make negotiation sound like an esoteric science. It’s not. You are already an accomplished negotiator. You’ve just forgotten how to do it, and need some tips, tricks, and practice in applying it to the world around you.

“But I don’t want to be rude!” “I don’t want to argue so much!” “Why shouldn’t I just choose from what’s offered?” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said the same thing to myself. We live in a (usually) polite society, where social graces, rules of decorum, and our own upbringing have made us avoid conflict and dispute as much as possible. (If you’re a shock jock or an internet troll, feel free to skip ahead…). But the simple fact is this: no one ever puts as much thought and care into their offer as you think. We are all busy. We are all pulled in hundreds of different directions in each moment. Whatever product, solution, package, or suggestion has been offered to you was likely crafted as an afterthought by the other party.

What does that tell you? It tells you that either A) the other party doesn’t care that much about whether their offer remains perfectly intact and unmodified, or B) the other party just doesn’t have much time (and certainly not enough time to debate you at length). If it’s A, then they’ll happily accept changes (within reason – don’t ask for the world and offer nothing in return). If it’s B, then they may care if you change it, but not enough to spend time arguing every single point.

“But what if they get annoyed by me and walk away?” That’s a valid concern, and one that every negotiator (and remember – everyone is a negotiator) worries about. But, if you’ve gotten to the point of discussing the terms of an offer for something, the other party stands to benefit if you say yes. And, unless they are exceptionally bad at creating their first offer, they will still stand to benefit even if you make some changes. As long as you stay respectful and act in good faith, the offer will rarely be rescinded based on a conversation over terms.

So, when should you negotiate? Every day. Every time you want something from someone else. Negotiation is just the process by which we come to an agreement. If you want a lower phone bill, a break on medical costs, a higher salary, or you child’s meals prepped by a babysitter, you have an opportunity to negotiate. If you want your partner to take out the trash before it gets too high, your boss to give you next Wednesday off, or your kid to walk the dog, you have an opportunity to negotiate. Every moment you spend with another person is a chance to negotiate.

So, maybe don’t whine like a giant baby, but remember that a baby is never afraid to ask for what it wants. You can be at least as fearless as a baby.

When you got skin in the game, you stay in the game
But you don’t get a win unless you play in the game
Oh, you get love for it, you get hate for it
You get nothing if you
Wait for it, wait for it, wait

Okay, truth time: I am a bit of a theatre geek. I grew up just north of New York and loved going into the City to see plays when I was a kid. I moved away years ago and never had a chance to see Lin-Manuel Miranda’s vision come to life on Broadway, so I was thrilled when Disney moved up their release of the 2016 recording and I could finally see it. I watched it with my family this past weekend and was captivated by the singing, the dancing, and the sheer genius of the entire creative team.

But then it struck me that there were a major lessons for budding negotiators. I am going to spend a few posts unpacking how a musical about 18th century colonials can apply to your life today. This is post one of two.

The first lesson can be summed up simply with the old adage “you’ve got to be in it to win it.” No one (not even me, to be honest) has the perfect solution to every situation you face. But you will never know what you can do until you try. Negotiation is scary for the average person (even for those who do it for a living), and it’s common to not want to start. But I guarantee you one thing: if you do not try, you will not win.

What are you facing today? What do you want to be better? Has your cable bill gone up because your promotion ended? Do you have a medical procedure coming up that will be crazy expensive? Are you looking to get a raise? Do you want an extra five minutes of daycare coverage? Whatever it is, ask for it.

Stanley Milgram was a Harvard-trained psychology professor working in New York in the 1970s when he asked his students to do the unthinkable – go into a crowded New York City subway car and ask people to give up their seat. The students were terrified. This was simply. not. done. You don’t make eye contact on the subway, let alone ask a passenger who secured a coveted seat to give it up. Some of the students completely washed out. “This was just too hard!” they complained. But Milgram didn’t back down on his assignment.

And do you know what happened to the students who completed the assignment? They were fine. No one was harmed. No repercussions were felt. And, most importantly, over two-thirds of the people they asked just gave up their seats. Two thirds! The students didn’t even need to give a reason. They just asked and got it. I’ll write more about this fascinating experiment in a later post, but the key takeaway is this: you are your own worst enemy at the negotiating table. Your fear is keeping you from asking for what you want, and your life is harder because of it.

Here’s your assignment for the week – ask for what you want. You can’t win if you do not try. I’ll be posting some negotiation guides tailored to different situations in the coming days. Check them out, and consider our negotiation flash cards that help you practice more fully. You will be able to find them in the Negotiation Store.

Until next time, keep practicing. Remember, we are all master negotiators.

Life is pretty hard right now. Every moment of your day, you’re trying to get by with less and less, as the virus and the bad economy wreak havoc on your life. Or maybe you’re one of the lucky ones with a secure job and healthy family – if so, I congratulate you on your good fortune, but know you must be worried daily that it could come to an end.

Whatever your situation, you need to make the most of your opportunities, and that’s where negotiation comes into the equation. “But, negotiation?” you say. “Negotiation isn’t for me! That’s for professionals!” It’s true – most negotiation wonks, self-help experts, and well-meaning advisors have turned negotiation into an art form, and elevated it into a scary, specialized practice reserved for only the sharpest lawyers and FBI hostage negotiators, the province of people heading into battle with sharks or terrorists. No one wants to deal with that type of pressure on a day-to-day basis.

But what the experts don’t tell you is that each moment of the day is a chance for negotiation – an opportunity to get more out of life. In fact, you have been negotiating since you were a baby. Every time a child mimics its parent’s expression, or gives an extra hug, or just acts super cute, it’s an effort to extract more from the parent – more love, more attention, or more toys, sweets, or time before bed. The child is not being insincere – I think we all would consider the love of a child far above reproach. But these are the basic tools of humanity – ways to secure our place in society and maximize our standing – and all humans learn them at a very, very young age.

If you’re not negotiating daily, it’s because you’ve forgotten how to do it, why to do it, or how common it is. My program is designed to coach you through this, and arm you with best practices for continuous improvement into the future. I first learned these skills while getting degrees at Harvard and Cornell, and have spent the last 20 years advising the largest corporations on the best ways to grow their businesses, maximize their profits, and beat their competitors. As you read through upcoming posts and accompanying guides, I will show you how I approach the negotiation table, what works for me, and what I try to avoid. I will lay out the types of negotiations you’ll likely encounter, what the other party is likely thinking, and what tools and techniques you can use to reach your best outcome. And I will equip you with the theory and real-world practice to build up your negotiation toolkit based on your own personal style.

An old finance professor of mine once said that all your money is made at the margins, and truer words were never spoken. The “margin” – the negotiation place between what you’re willing to pay and what you’re actually paying – is what we all need to maximize, whether it’s denominated in money or time or general happiness. Let’s each create our own ideal Negotiation Place.